It's been a while
I haven't wanted to say anything for a while, not here anyway. The last few months have been about well publicized pain... it wouldn't do to tuck it away in this dark little corner that no one sees. No, I would rather show it to the world, show it to him and make it known what has happened. This tale has taken a turn that leaves me with a bemused smile, the kind that would rival Miss Mona Lisa herself...
I am a victim of my own wants. I bought into a lie of the most elaborate kind. There are people on the internet who craft layers of fantasy, they craft them, hone them, make them their own until they are so deeply embedded that they believe them themselves, and in so telling, it becomes believable. But easy to believe is easy to deceive. And I stand before you the most naive of them all. I am here stark naked with my heart once again on the floor. I am here once again, on the floor.
But alas, it was not a total loss. I see how I have grown, see the things I gained in the last several months. My self awareness has increased exponentially, my understanding and knowledge have multiplied. I have come to know what I want. I have come to know what I don't want. I've come to know what to trust, what to have faith in and what not to. I have come to know...
I am a victim of my own wants. I bought into a lie of the most elaborate kind. There are people on the internet who craft layers of fantasy, they craft them, hone them, make them their own until they are so deeply embedded that they believe them themselves, and in so telling, it becomes believable. But easy to believe is easy to deceive. And I stand before you the most naive of them all. I am here stark naked with my heart once again on the floor. I am here once again, on the floor.
But alas, it was not a total loss. I see how I have grown, see the things I gained in the last several months. My self awareness has increased exponentially, my understanding and knowledge have multiplied. I have come to know what I want. I have come to know what I don't want. I've come to know what to trust, what to have faith in and what not to. I have come to know...
posted by Papermoon, Cardboard Sky at 2/21/2005 02:45:00 PM
3 Comments:
It seems to me sometimes that we are like trees going through winter. We loose our leaves, and for a while all is cold and silent and gray. But then spring comes, and the sun comes back, bringing light and warmth, and understanding, and mercy, and acceptance, fears and tears melt away, and we feel stronger. It seems we can reach farther than before, catch more sunlight than before, reach higher than before.
Thank you winter.
I have an interesting story about lies and fantasy on the net. Iwill tell you about it sometimes. :)
I'm coming out of a winter too. And I can only have a glimpse of the sunny days that are coming for me. And for you, too. For are we not made from the same stuff? Wood, bark, roots, leaves, life.
It is comforting to know that you know this too, Nicola. Yes, my heartache is your joy is her amusement is his grief is our air is their earth... we are all the same.
I would be honored if you shared your similar tale. I wonder which would create more shudders of cold streaking down our spines? In fact, I shall post a few previously written thoughts on this here just for you...
dreamflakes.blogspot.com
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