Survey says!

I followed the path of a meaningless survey today... I patiently answered the questions, knowing that my answers and the results meant nothing to me or my life, and yet I answered them anyway... This one was about the color of my heart. I guess someone assigned colors to emotional and spiritual states. When my eyes flickered across one of the questions that contained the word 'excepting' as opposed to 'accepting', as the latter, the context of the statement clearly called for... I found myself wondering who creates these surveys, why people create these surveys and why people participate in them. The answer I came up with was that sharing the results with others was like striking up a conversation in search of commonality. We're looking to belong. We're looking to be loved. Turns out, my heart was red. And the result assigned to that color was a rather general answer, one that mentioned I was either in love or ready for it. This made me laugh as the way I see it, every human being is ready for love. Maybe I will go back and answer the questions differently so as to gaze upon other heart colors and see what this spelling challenged person thinks of green and blue and black and pink...

the mundane

My regular stomping ground at tBlog has shut down in a bad way. Though the server seems accessible, there is something terribly wrong there in that it isn't allowing me or anyone to log on. At first, I was sure that those ghosts of my past had finally found a way to step into my security assurances and take over my little pages in the universe, but alas, I am not that important to them, I'm pretty sure, as such a feat would take quite an effort and to what end? Though, having said that, it has happened before... I've tucked the paranoia away for another day, happily decided to leave behind my cyber life and am heading back to the Renaissance Faire happening a few hours down the road from here.

I'm not used to writing in journal-nature here in this particular niche, but sometimes, the different nooks of my existence collide for a little while and the pieces get sorted through at my convenience. Noteworthy happenings of late: I lost another friend. This one needed to go as she showed her true face with just one hint of attention from the aforementioned ghosts and welcomed them back into her life with open arms despite the hours and hours we spent working through the pain of the wrongs done unto the both of us by them. It would seem I am a woman of resolve and conviction and she, it would seem, is not. And so, she has now been placed outside of my circle, outside of my confidences and outside of the window that affords a peek into this life I call my own. I only hope she never finds herself near death's door emotionally once again, cut off from these very people who have become so important to her in such a horrendous manner. If she knocks on my window again, I do not dare let her in for fear of repercussions I am ill-prepared to handle.

And so, this less than eloquent sentiment comes to a close as I head out into the soft rain and the occasional sound of thunder and get into my sporty, racey little car that hugs the ground and purrs like a kitty... Red hair, a red car, a leather steering wheel, wind, music and miles and miles to be covered before I arrive at a scene on the opposite end of the spectrum, but one that calls to me with such passion I can not deny it. Escapism? You bet.

Contemplating

I'm contemplating settling for something more ordinary, something green behind the ears, something that would be overwhelmed by me, sucked dry eventually and cast aside despite who's prompting launches that ship.

I set a few rules and broke them not long after. There is a reason age gaps are unusual in lovers. Being in a different place in life sets me apart from someone who is ten years younger or ten years older. Am I so desparate to be loved that I'll allow such into my life, knowing that it wasn't meant to be, knowing it doesn't quite fit? Knowing that this wasn't the whirl wind that must ensue in order to call to my heart?

I'm being tracked by spurned lovers. Lovers who have left me, but do not wish to be gotten over. As passionately as I love, I also can despise as mightily as imaginable. If I were smart, I'd switch this glowing box off and stay away from it for months and months on end. But alas, I have never claimed to be smart...

Despondent

One tiny moment is all it took to set me back. One sniff of rejection and I've come undone. I thought I had come further than this. I suppose I have, but here I am again... musing aloud at the thought that something about me put him off. And that something is not a mystery. It is me. In my pushing, there ought not to be surprise at pulling away. But there is. Why does it feel like the end of the world when there isn't even a beginning over which to be crushed? I realize now that the price I pay for being me is a price paid in tears and blood. There must be someone made of the stuff it takes to love someone like me. There must be.

tethered

I find myself without questions. I find myself without quest. Years of asking 'what if' and 'what about' has left me... not uninquisitive, but rather... content in my not knowing. I no longer try to figure out what will come for me. I no longer wish to inflict my vision on the world. I only wish to be among it.

I used to engage in the office of orchestrating my life in as many aspects as I could. My personal life was encapsulated in an iron-clad agenda, one with fail-safe's and stop-gaps to ensure there was always something and someone on the docket. Now I see it was an attempt to keep from ever getting to know me. Being alone will do that. Being alone used to be the enemy.

It's been a little while now. Probably not much compared to others. And I do find myself wondering how long it will be before I once again see the world like never before... I am tethered to quiet reassurance.

The Beloveds...

October 2, 2004

We are no better nor worse then a band of theives usurping sight and silence....... like thieves, we put it to use though who is to say good or bad...... The molding of a beloved is cause for celebration in this thief. The washing over of recognition draws in, with haste and determination to savor it in the moment, as curiosity turns on the light that holds us naked before another, adding to our numbers. My feeling is your bleeding is her torment is his healing is her grief is his longing is my loving is your seeing, do you see? Seamless beauty release me. At some point, you and I loved, were loving before and continue to love.... You own my pain as I yours. Self need not apply. Nor wisdom nor commonsense nor goodness nor blame, these are the dance of the other world. Of varying membership comes dissonance as that special vulnerability brings us to the other side for a reminder. But once you are here, no other place can you be as this is where we are all, though few here have eyes and ears. Mouths rule the day and night there and here for them. We may draw and pull on words. We do not converge on words...... but on silence. On recognition served up in silence. Many pass a beloved's path with praise from unseeing mouths. A smile and a thank you suffices till recognition begs a hand-reach in what becomes a much needed resusitation, a reaffirming of beliefs and all things in a Beloved's world be it my beloved, yours, one of the past, present, future. Membership is forever. This is TheBeloved according to this thief.

BLOGGERS IMPRISONED!!!! HELP!!!!!

Global blogger action day called

By Jo Twist BBC News science and technology reporter

The global web blog community is being called into action to lend support to two imprisoned Iranian bloggers.

The month-old Committee to Protect Bloggers' is asking those with blogs to dedicate their sites on 22 February to the "Free Mojtaba and Arash Day".

Arash Sigarchi and Mojtaba Saminejad are both in prison in Iran.

Blogs are free sites through which people publish thoughts and opinions. Iranian authorities have been clamping down on prominent sites for some time.

"I hope this day will focus people," Curt Hopkins, director of the Committee, told the BBC News website.

If you have a blog, the least you could do is put nothing on that blog except 'Free Mojtaba and Arash Day' Curt Hopkins, Committee to Protect Bloggers

The group has a list of actions which it says bloggers can take, including writing to local Iranian embassies.

The Committee has deemed Tuesday "Free Mojtaba and Arash Day" as part of its first campaign.

It is calling on the blogsphere - the name for the worldwide community of bloggers - to do what it can to help raise awareness of the plight of Mojtaba and Arash as well as other "cyber-dissidents".

"If you have a blog, the least you could do is put nothing on that blog except 'Free Mojtaba and Arash Day'," said Mr Hopkins.

"That would mean you could see that phrase 7.1 million times. That alone will shine some light on the situation.

"If you don't have one, find one dedicated to that - it takes about 30 seconds."

Technorati, a blog search engine, tracks about six million blogs and says that more than 12,000 are added daily.

A blog is created every 5.8 seconds, according to a US research think-tank.

'No man's land'

The Committee to Protect Bloggers was started by US blogger Curt Hopkins and counts fired flight attendant blogger Ellen Simonetti as a deputy director.

She has since started the International Bloggers' Bill of Rights, a global petition to protect bloggers at work.

Although not the only website committed to human rights issues by any means, it aims to be the hub or organisation, information and support for bloggers in particular and their rights to freedom of speech.

The Committee, although only a month old, aims to be the focal point for blogger action on similar issues in the future, and will operate as a non-for-profit organisation.

"Blogging is in this weird no man's land. People think of it as being one thing or another depending on their point of view," said Mr Hopkins.

"Some think of themselves as pundits, kind of like journalists, and some like me have a private blog which is just a publishing platform.

"But they do not have a constituency and are out there in the cold."

'Everyone doing it'

A spokesman for Amnesty International said: "Just as the internet is a tool for freedom, so it is being used as an excuse for repression.

"Amnesty International has recorded a growing number of cases of people detained or imprisoned for disseminating their beliefs or information through the internet, in countries such as China, Syria, Vietnam, the Maldives, Cuba, Iran and Zimbabwe.

"It is also shocking to realise that in the communications age just expressing support for an internet activist is enough to land people in jail."

It is not just human rights issues in countries which have a track record of restricting what is published in the media that is of concern to bloggers.

The question of bloggers and what rights they have to say what they want on their sites is a thorny one and has received much press attention recently.

High profile cases in which employees have been sacked for what they have said on their personal, and often anonymous blogs, have highlighted the muddy situation that the blogsphere is currently in.

Everyone does this - mums, radicals, conservatives Curt Hopkins, Committee to Protect Bloggers

"This is a big messy argument," explained Mr Hopkins.

He added: "It is just such a new way of doing business, there will be clamp downs."

But the way these issues get tested is through the courts which, said Mr Hopkins, "is part of the whole messy conversation."

"If you haven't already got bloggers in your company, you will have them tomorrow - and if you don't have a blogger policy now you had better start looking at having one.

Mr Hopkins said that the blogsphere - which is doubling every five months - was powerful because it takes so little time and expertise to create a blog.

"Everyone does this - mums, radicals, conservatives," he said.

Many companies offer easy-to-use services to create a blog and publish it in minutes to a global community.

"That is the essential difference. What I call 'templating software' gives every single person on Earth the chance to have one.

"You don't even have to have your own computer."

Story from BBC NEWS:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/1/hi/technology/4278241.stm

Published: 2005/02/21 16:14:59 GMT

© BBC MMV

It's been a while

I haven't wanted to say anything for a while, not here anyway. The last few months have been about well publicized pain... it wouldn't do to tuck it away in this dark little corner that no one sees. No, I would rather show it to the world, show it to him and make it known what has happened. This tale has taken a turn that leaves me with a bemused smile, the kind that would rival Miss Mona Lisa herself...

I am a victim of my own wants. I bought into a lie of the most elaborate kind. There are people on the internet who craft layers of fantasy, they craft them, hone them, make them their own until they are so deeply embedded that they believe them themselves, and in so telling, it becomes believable. But easy to believe is easy to deceive. And I stand before you the most naive of them all. I am here stark naked with my heart once again on the floor. I am here once again, on the floor.

But alas, it was not a total loss. I see how I have grown, see the things I gained in the last several months. My self awareness has increased exponentially, my understanding and knowledge have multiplied. I have come to know what I want. I have come to know what I don't want. I've come to know what to trust, what to have faith in and what not to. I have come to know...