Despondent
One tiny moment is all it took to set me back. One sniff of rejection and I've come undone. I thought I had come further than this. I suppose I have, but here I am again... musing aloud at the thought that something about me put him off. And that something is not a mystery. It is me. In my pushing, there ought not to be surprise at pulling away. But there is. Why does it feel like the end of the world when there isn't even a beginning over which to be crushed? I realize now that the price I pay for being me is a price paid in tears and blood. There must be someone made of the stuff it takes to love someone like me. There must be.
posted by Papermoon, Cardboard Sky at 4/25/2005 07:46:00 PM
2 Comments:
'In times of weakness, I just wish I could be stupid, following rules without thinking, be like how the world wants me to be. I'm wondering if anyone in this strange world will love me for what I am, if anyone can love at all, if i'm the only one who is scared and wants to do something about it.'
Nicola, this made me cry. I don't know that I have read something that made me feel more understood than this. And I wonder, are we so very different or do the rest of the human beings out there we see as 'followers'...also experience this? Could it be that we are so engulfed in ourselves that we can not see more of us? I don't know. I only know that I *am* tempted to cave in sometimes and be something I am not in order to gain that which I do in fact seek... to be loved for who I am and to be able to offer it back in return.
Someone once put it in to the simplest perspective for me. Apparently, I am an intense feeler and not everyone experiences life in this same way. I'm not sure what this means. I can't imagine seeing the world with less intensity, with less feeling.
I only know that at the moment, I am tired of looking for something that doesn't exist. This... sounds suspiciously like one of your own posts, of which I recently stumbled upon and offered words of encouragement because I could see so much love inside you that you are bound to know it again. I wish I could see that about myself.
-sigh- You are right, Nicola. We do know how to find each other, but it seems we are so engrossed in our writing and expression of romantic sentiment that often we exist in lands far away, out of reach of each other, known through monitors and small screens... where are they in flesh and blood? Where are they when I am walking down the street on any given Sunday and musing to myself about the sky and its brilliance?
Oh, to be so convicted! What a wonder you are Nicola. Truly. Thank you for letting me witness your resolve.
My head spins when I think of the possibilities of finding someone like you to light upon, to read and share faceless moments with.
:)
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