Despondent

One tiny moment is all it took to set me back. One sniff of rejection and I've come undone. I thought I had come further than this. I suppose I have, but here I am again... musing aloud at the thought that something about me put him off. And that something is not a mystery. It is me. In my pushing, there ought not to be surprise at pulling away. But there is. Why does it feel like the end of the world when there isn't even a beginning over which to be crushed? I realize now that the price I pay for being me is a price paid in tears and blood. There must be someone made of the stuff it takes to love someone like me. There must be.

tethered

I find myself without questions. I find myself without quest. Years of asking 'what if' and 'what about' has left me... not uninquisitive, but rather... content in my not knowing. I no longer try to figure out what will come for me. I no longer wish to inflict my vision on the world. I only wish to be among it.

I used to engage in the office of orchestrating my life in as many aspects as I could. My personal life was encapsulated in an iron-clad agenda, one with fail-safe's and stop-gaps to ensure there was always something and someone on the docket. Now I see it was an attempt to keep from ever getting to know me. Being alone will do that. Being alone used to be the enemy.

It's been a little while now. Probably not much compared to others. And I do find myself wondering how long it will be before I once again see the world like never before... I am tethered to quiet reassurance.