the mundane

My regular stomping ground at tBlog has shut down in a bad way. Though the server seems accessible, there is something terribly wrong there in that it isn't allowing me or anyone to log on. At first, I was sure that those ghosts of my past had finally found a way to step into my security assurances and take over my little pages in the universe, but alas, I am not that important to them, I'm pretty sure, as such a feat would take quite an effort and to what end? Though, having said that, it has happened before... I've tucked the paranoia away for another day, happily decided to leave behind my cyber life and am heading back to the Renaissance Faire happening a few hours down the road from here.

I'm not used to writing in journal-nature here in this particular niche, but sometimes, the different nooks of my existence collide for a little while and the pieces get sorted through at my convenience. Noteworthy happenings of late: I lost another friend. This one needed to go as she showed her true face with just one hint of attention from the aforementioned ghosts and welcomed them back into her life with open arms despite the hours and hours we spent working through the pain of the wrongs done unto the both of us by them. It would seem I am a woman of resolve and conviction and she, it would seem, is not. And so, she has now been placed outside of my circle, outside of my confidences and outside of the window that affords a peek into this life I call my own. I only hope she never finds herself near death's door emotionally once again, cut off from these very people who have become so important to her in such a horrendous manner. If she knocks on my window again, I do not dare let her in for fear of repercussions I am ill-prepared to handle.

And so, this less than eloquent sentiment comes to a close as I head out into the soft rain and the occasional sound of thunder and get into my sporty, racey little car that hugs the ground and purrs like a kitty... Red hair, a red car, a leather steering wheel, wind, music and miles and miles to be covered before I arrive at a scene on the opposite end of the spectrum, but one that calls to me with such passion I can not deny it. Escapism? You bet.

Contemplating

I'm contemplating settling for something more ordinary, something green behind the ears, something that would be overwhelmed by me, sucked dry eventually and cast aside despite who's prompting launches that ship.

I set a few rules and broke them not long after. There is a reason age gaps are unusual in lovers. Being in a different place in life sets me apart from someone who is ten years younger or ten years older. Am I so desparate to be loved that I'll allow such into my life, knowing that it wasn't meant to be, knowing it doesn't quite fit? Knowing that this wasn't the whirl wind that must ensue in order to call to my heart?

I'm being tracked by spurned lovers. Lovers who have left me, but do not wish to be gotten over. As passionately as I love, I also can despise as mightily as imaginable. If I were smart, I'd switch this glowing box off and stay away from it for months and months on end. But alas, I have never claimed to be smart...